Forgiveness or Die

          Forgiveness...What is that? What does that mean? This is something that I needed to figure out. How do I move on after hurtful situations? When I say it...do I mean it? What does it mean that I am forgiven? What do we forgive? Are there limits to the  capabilities of forgiveness? These are questions that rambled through my head as I went on this hunt.I needed answers, I had a lot of hurt, as well as caused my fair share of hurt myself. I needed to know if true forgiveness was foreseeable. 

          I had hit a point in my life that I needed forgiveness. I needed to move forward in my life. I needed to truly understand, was my life "forgivable?" Was my life "worth" it? Was it worth the battle to fight, or should I just let that life go? And there it was. Sitting right there on the curb in front of my house, I had done it. I had had my first suicidal thought.  Me...the person, who didn't understand and got angry anytime people ever mentioned suicide. "HOW SELFISH!" I would bark at anyone who had said thought of it. "What about your family!!!?" But there I was, buried in my sins that had happened to me, and the horrible ones that I had committed all crashing down on me at once. Hearing a voice over and over in my head telling me, "It would be kinder to your family to just Not Be Here. This is beyond repair."

           Then while doing what I do best...analyzing all the details, a loud angry bark of my past came through my head as a warrior charging through the field of my adversaries, sword drawn, " How could you think that!? What about your kids? This IS NOT who you are or what you believe!" Then my mind was brought back to a boy in college. This boy had shared how his father had committed suicide when he was 10 years old. He had been who found his body. The thoughts he had, what had he done wrong? Why did his Dad not fight for him? At that moment...I broke. It was time for a change. My kids would NEVER go through what that boy did. I had been in church and thought I knew forgiveness, but now it was time to tear this apart. I had to be able to move past this point, but to do so, I needed to reexamine all of the so called "forgiveness" in my life. Did I really forgive the hurts of my past? 

          So the search began. What is forgiveness? I found in my research that there are three main scenarios that call for forgiveness. Option one: The person does wrong, sees that it is wrong, and comes to you to apologize. Option 2: The person doesn't realize that they have wronged you, and when you point it out to them, they then apologize. Option 3: (Most definitely the hardest) The person does you wrong, and when you confront them, has no remorse, denies, or even worse...blames you for their wrong act. I also found that there are two main roles in forgiveness. The person seeking forgiveness, and the person forgiving. Both equally important, and I was in need of both. How do I get or give that?  I needed the history of forgiveness. 

          So, with my Church background, I would seek God to see what I needed to know. I prayed and read and prayed for guidance. I needed His guidance in this...where did it all start? So, he took me to the book of Genesis.. to just that the, beginning where God created man Genesis 1:26-31. In this God created man, Adam... and even knowing the paths that would be taken...He called it good. Why would He call it good? Adam failed. Even with that what did God do when Adam failed? Was God shocked? No. He gave him a new path. A path of forgiveness, and a new future. Fast forward to Noah. The world had fallen under corruption, yet He gave a way out, a way of salvation to those who would just listen. (Genesis 6:9-9:17) A new covenant and promise to man, who fails. Then lets go to Moses, like many others...a story of greatness, failure, and redemption. I mean here, Moses had just went up and received the 10 commandments, and while gone the Israelite's had already created an idol to worship. Then when Moses got angry and smashed the commandments, God made him a new set. So again, showing a new path from failure for redemption. Then, as once again we had years upon years of failures, God gave us new path. He became flesh. God again was not shocked by our failures, but instead gave us hope for a future...this time, one that would be everlasting. He gave His Son. He gave Jesus, and Jesus could have turned away, He could have not went through with the will of God, but instead, He gave us that path to the forgiveness we all need. He wore and carried every past present and future sin with Him onto that cross. He took our punishment to ensure us forgiveness. John 3:16  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. So, now I saw God's undeniable love for us...but was I worth it? Then God asked me, " Was Paul?"

         Who was Paul before Christ? Before Jesus found Paul on the road to Damascus, he was Saul. This was a man who hunted out Christians. Destroyed churches, drug Christian men and women out of their homes to prison. (Philippians 3:4-6) However, once Jesus changed him, he became Paul, a  man who would change lives for Christ, and wrote a lot of the New Testament . A true missionary. This man did horrible things, yet God not only saw his potential and worth, but taught Paul how to rise to it and become new. Again, God saw the worth when no one else did, and paved the road for redemption.With that new path Paul changed lives, and his writings still do to this day. This was a history lesson that I needed. 

         So what does the Bible say about how to forgive? Matthew 6:14-15 says " For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins,"  So then I had to look at my past. Did I really forgive? By the world's labels. I was a child of poverty, divorce, sexual abuse, drug abuse, abandonment...and the list could keep going, but I think that is plenty. Then there is my own sins, I have lied, cheated, stole, drugs, broke laws, fights...and that list can continue on as well. I have broke families to their hinges on my own sins. Can this stuff be forgiven? I say yes, by the standards that I have studied. How do I forgive those who truly hurt me from my past? Well, First I had to realize that I am not what the world labeled me as. The moment I took Christ into my heart, I became new. As this new person I have to get to know God's heart. When you get to know the heart of God, you start to see the world through His eyes. God's eyes see potential. God's eyes see forgiveness, not because it is deserved, but as an act of grace, love and mercy to restore you to who you can be with Him. So, do I forgive those past wrong doers? Yes, and to be honest I think that was easier for me. My hard part was to be forgiven.  

          How can I be forgiven? I know God says he forgave me, but I couldn't let go. I was so ashamed of my poor choices. How do I get past that? I know as soon as you ask God, that you are forgiven...but the real problem is, I had to forgive myself, and I had to do it with no closer of being forgiven from the ones I harmed. They can't forgive me , how can I? The God said, you are new. So I took that to motivate me. Am I proud of my poor choices of my past? No, HOWEVER that is what keeps me who I am now. I know I am the daughter that God is shaping me to be. As I saw the new person he made me into, I realized it was true...I was new, whole, and at peace.That person wasn't me anymore. As for them not forgiving me, all I could do is just sincerely apologize with all my heart, and then that was between them and God if they forgave me. But I would lead in my actions, (not just my words) and my life to not head down that rode again. 

          You see, what I learned was like I said earlier. There are two roles in forgiving, the person forgiving, and then the person being forgiven. Both roles are equally as important, HOWEVER, neither role should affect the way you act in your part. It is our own actions the we are responsible for, not others reactions. (2 Corinthians 5:10) So I will do my best for Him. Will I fail? I'm sure of it from time to time. But that same grace, love, and mercy He shows me to restore me into a better person, I will strive to show others. So if you are searching for forgiveness, I will challenge you, get to know God's heart. When you do, your heart will break for the broken, search for the lost, and see potential in all. Making forgiveness that much closer. 

<3 Cat