Finding Prince Charming

When I was a little girl, I dreamed about "Mr.Right", my wedding, being a mother, and having a family. My Prince Charming would whisk me away and desire me above all else, even when my hair turns to silver, and my body is failing. I would be his. I saw my Grandmother, who until the day she died, (35 years after Grandpa) desire no other man, just patiently waiting to be reunited with him in Heaven. 

That is what I wanted! That is strong love!
But in a world, and my own life so full of divorce, I didn't know how to get that. Heck, I didn't even know what I was really trying to get. I know what I saw in the movies. You know what I'm talking about, "Prince Charming comes in on his white horse, saves the day, and that IS IT! 

Let the trumpets sound...Doot do doooo! Your soul mate has arrived! His desires are the same as yours, and instantly fate has paired you up. His life mission is just to bring you happiness."
*Siiigh* eyelashes bat and my heart skips a beat. That's it! That must be what my Grandparents had! All my girlfriends would just swoon over how gorgeous he was, and his unfailing tunnel vision that was only focused on me!  
Having my eye on the "target" I was now on the hunt at the ripe age of 10. Getting boyfriend after boyfriend.

                 Whoooooooa! SHOCK FACTOR!! 10??
                                 ??What??

Now that you have all said, "Oh my! Ten years old!" You know what I am talking about. Cute boy in class, or a friend of the family. Even though you don't go anywhere or do anything, maybe hold hands, hug, or maybe a kiss on the cheek for the joining parents to take a picture and giggle at how "cute" we were. That's right, even that young and innocent, not really a boyfriend in the mature sense. It still had an impact on my life and my worth. Showing me that I had to have someone. Life wasn't complete unless someone else found worth in me. What gained me the "worth" of a boy in class? Making sure my body was small, I dressed in the "correct" clothes, and only hung out with the "worthy ones." Imitating them in their lives whether it was my likes or not. This is where I fell into for many years the world's warped view on "individuality and worth." Now I won't go fully into that view, if you are interested in that you can read my other blog Them Nasty Curse Words In Church. 

Okay.... plug in for blog complete...moving on...

So as the years go by, boy after boy being "The One," until he turns out not to be the Prince Charming I had imagined. Each rejection, each failure telling me that I wasn't "worth" them devoting their lives to my said happiness. Even when I would change myself to be what "he would like." I kept failing, failing at being "worth" his love and worth his commitment. I wasn't  worth my Grandparents love. 

By the time I met my Husband, I was a professional people pleaser. I wouldn't have known what I actually liked, if it had walked right up and smacked me on the head. Going into our marriage, we were both such wrecks. We actually planned our failure. We were very open about it too. As we bought stuff, right then and there we would decide who got it "when" we split up. We thought in doing this, it would make things smoother "when" that day came. 
You see, what we actually had done is created a pattern of failure. Any relationship we had been in had failed us, or we had failed it. Either way... it failed. So we wanted to be prepared for when that day inevitably came. 

Then we had Children...(doesn't that just change everything? Haha.) We both knew we didn't want to give our kids a broken home. We had both experienced that ourselves, so we tried ALMOST every angle to "keep us married" until we broke. Here we both realized that our run had come to an end. Again faced with failure on both sides. My Husband not being my Prince Charming, and never feeling worthy to be with him. Me not being the wife he had envisioned, or with the same priorities. Both of us broken from the other. So many wrong paths, had just made it worse. 

Why? Why couldn't we have what the movies told us? Why were we going to be just another statistic on how marriages fail? Neither of us not knowing where to go or what to do. And me...don't even get me started, I was lost before it all even began. Shaping my life and opinions around what would please those around me. Not only was my marriage lost and failed, but I was sure that it was what I deserved by my lack of worth. I mean, why should I have any different? I should just count my blessings that we had lasted 10 years. That's longer than a lot of our friends. Even still, I wanted what my Grandparents had. I wanted my "Love of a lifetime." But this was something I couldn't get, and I didn't want this "love" of the last 10 years to be what we would have for the next 50. There had to be better, or more out there, but we were lost. I was lost.

Now anyone who has spoke with my Husband and I, has probably heard our testimony on this stage in our lives, or my readers that have read "The Light in Your Darkness ." This is a stage that my Husband and I try and be very open about. For those who don't know, I will highlight whats needed for this, but encourage you to read the full story. 

Plug in #2  for blog....check!

Okay, to recap... Up to this point in our marriage my Husband and I had "played church." You know, clocked in and out on Sundays and when the kids or important folks were looking. HOWEVER, our marriage showed nothing of God. 
Our marriage reeked havoc, not just in our lives, both those close around us as well. Even with putting our "fake" smile on, the sins of our hearts and actions bubbled to the surface, scarring more than just us. Not realizing until we were completely broke, the "Fe-ma sized catastrophe" we had created. Then what do we do? Then, the only path we had not tried...Give it ALL to God. 

But how? How do we get what we both wanted? So, we started Christian Marriage counseling. It didn't take us long to realize just how lost we had truly been. I could compare us trying to be married to the same as trying to throw a 5 year old into a car and telling them to drive. They may know some of what to do, but I doubt you would let them take you far. We needed better. We needed to know not just "how to drive," but how to do lasting maintenance to keep the "car" we were trying to drive, running as long, and as smooth as possible. 

However, before the "driving" lessons on marriage could begin, we had to fix ourselves. I mean after all, you can't build a house using broken beams. Okay, okay, you might be able to get it to stand, but it won't weather the storm. 
Now for the stand off... My Worth! We have 20 years of the world brow-beating me in every area I lack...verses... This foreign love of God that saw so much worth in me, He sent His only Son to die to save me. (John 3:16) 
 So the lessons and self exploration began to understand who I was and exactly what I was worth. We dug deeper and deeper into the Word to understand God's Love. I saw His mighty Grace and Mercy. I learned that the world and enemy will condemn me, but God will convict me with His beautiful Truth to shape me into a better person. (John 3:17-18)I learned that I am His wonderfully made daughter, and if He had 99 of his saved children with Him, He would leave them and search for me, the lost one! Just so He could bring me home!  (Psalm 127:3)(Luke 15:3-7)
                                        *WOW* 
He seeks me! He has tunnel vision focused on me! His desire is to have a relationship with me! To love me!Even when I am unlovable! Standing by me, with open arms, just waiting for me to turn to Him. There to search out my heart and help me to be the best me possible. Telling me that it is okay for me to be weak, because where I am weak, He is strong! All this time, we had been trying to build a house using us as the beams and foundation... But He who is our cornerstone is the true SOLID foundation. (Ephesians 2:20) A Foundation that WILL withstand the storm! (Matthew 7:24-27)

All this time, we had been trying to "drive" the car, and we already owned the "manual" telling us how to drive with, or without a copilot. When we finally started treating our Bible as the "Tattered road atlas" that we wouldn't dare leave without, instead of keeping it on the precious "no touch shelf," we actually started learning how to run this race. All this time, searching everywhere, taking so many unneeded paths, and the answers were in the book I avoided. I thought that book was filled with the "do-nots" of life. What I didn't know was it was full of His heart, and amazing love for me. (1John 4:19)All this time searching, and my Prince Charming that I desired unconditional love from had been right there, waiting for me to just turn and run to Him. (Zechariah 1:3) 

I finally figured out that I had true worth, not because it was earned, but because God chose to make me worthy! God showed me that MIGHTY Love is sacrificial, putting others needs first. For God so loved the world He Gave...
 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

When my Husband and I learned God's heart and how God loves us, we were able to love each other the way we were suppose to all along. No longer selfishly about me, but I love to please him, and he me. He is my best-friend, and the true love of my life, because I choose him, and He chooses me...everyday. 

<3 Cat