You know for the longest time I suffered. I suffered and didn't even know it. Some people may think that it is a blessing not to know. However, I challenge that thought. If you don't know, then how can you ever rise above it? You know, they say that the first step in dealing with a problem is admittance. So right there says that you have to know. One of my many problems I have had was "self worth" and what flies on the tail strings with that problem comes lack of contentment,peace, direction, confidence, self identity, and stillness to say the least.
To start, I felt to know my worth was displayed in my pleasing of others. In getting recognition for deeds, attention, whether that be laughs, involvement with people, or sexual attention. Someone not liking me, or an action of mine devastated me, it truly rocked my world. Even in times that I was right to do whatever I did. Why is that? Because, I didn't know I was "worthy" enough to be confident in my decision. My choice in movement went with what was the most popular. This of course varied with whatever crowd I was with. If it was most popular to be athletic, then that's what I did. If it was to party, then I did it best. If it was to watch scary movies, then I watched the scariest. Whatever were the desires of others, I broke my back to do. I was always "proving" myself to all around me.
As far as my so called, "self identity," well that was simple. It was identified through my job. My success "provided" my worth, and proved my intelligence. Since my last grade in school I completed was 8th grade, then I "had to prove" my smarts. To make a long story made short on this part of my life; 10 years later, I found myself still proving myself as a successful photographer, yet still lost, still not content. I was a "good" mom, and the "coolest" wife, with a marriage that made the average outsider jealous. Why was I not content? It must be my lack of education. So with this idea, I returned and achieved my G.E.D. At this time, my husband and I were awesome parents, because we never argued, cursed, or drank in front of our kids. Both of us very active in our children's lives, we both knew the appropriate thing was to raise them in church. We attended on Sundays, taught them to pray before meals and bed. But that was pretty much the extent of our walk with God. During this time God started working on us in pieces. (Well, the parts we allowed to be changed.) Still not content, I started college for a new career to identify with. Then, halfway through attaining my Teaching degree...I felt very strongly that God pulled me out. (Of course, to everyone else it was just a "break."I didn't know how, nor want to the explain the need to pull out.)
Ignoring the truth of my marriage charade, it finally broke. Broke to the point that it couldn't be ignored any longer. Shattered, this was my life. Asking God why we couldn't have what others had. I mean, we believed in Him. Even on Saturday nights, while partying, we would invite friends to go with us to church, and had many "religious talks." To others, I am sure this stage they would label as the hypocrite stage. You know, in the bars on Saturday and the pews on Sundays. I personally, know my heart at the time would call this my, " I once was lost" stage.
So now, my education...gone. My marriage...crumbled. Being a mother I was proud of...shattered. Who am I? Where am I going?
I wasn't proud of where my life was at. That's it. That's the word right there, isn't it..."proud" or "pride." Do you see the theme? "I"..."pleasing others"..."pride."That is what I had to do to try for so called "worth."But now...now, it was all gone. So what was I to do? How could I step out and rise above this place? (Boy, for being one letter, that is a powerfully, distracting from truth, word... "I", Who would think that so much damage can come from something so small.) So now, it was time that I take God more seriously. Many of you already know our amazing testimony on God truly, and completely healing our marriage. (If you don't know this then I encourage you to read my post called The Light in Your Darkness, and see how amazing God's healing touch is, when you just surrender it to Him!)
So as I wondered in my shattered status, I had to learn just who I was. Not defined by man, jobs, or title, but by God. It was time to line myself up with Him, and be accountable for my actions with Him. And what did I find? Forgiveness. I found a true love, unlike what anyone can do for you. If you think that you know love, but you don't know God...then it's not true love that you know, and if you pursue it, you will experience one deeper than you could ever imagine. I just had to seek Him. Unworthy, broken...none of it mattered, because we are all unworthy. But God chose to make us worthy and to love us without fault. In the midst of failure, He saw victory. He saw potential, beauty, and a plan that was made by Him...just for me. He saw me prosper with Him, and He saw my growth, even when I couldn't.
Anyone who has been friends with me for a long period of time can testify, that I was never able to be alone. Constantly on the go with working, sports, activities, volunteering, and of course the constant "mom taxi service." I was always begging and begging for people to come over, always busy, always involved. Even in my growth with God, constant. God would give me a direction, then I would run 110 mph to it. Don't get me wrong, that was great! There is a time to walk and a time to run. Trust, I knew this too well. Homeschooling my 9, 11, and 13 year old sons, racing to work, and all of our activities and home reconstruction. Running, I knew well. Then it happened, my newest lesson...
I sensed a change coming to my life, I just couldn't see what. I kept seeking God, wanting, begging for that direction. Watching seasons in my life come to a close, knowing that it was right around the corner. I just needed my next step. My feet were running, and I wanted to not lose momentum, find my new direction, shift, and continue running that way. But no direction came, no new course...just quiet.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT QUIET IS????? Quiet is loud, quiet is scary, quiet is time. Time that you can mess up. Quiet must be failure, because I have willing feet to run for God, but no direction to run. This was foreign to me. I couldn't understand it. SO I did what made me comfortable, I just kept running with where God had had me with the thought process, "with no new direction to run, I must be suppose to run in the same place I have been." Of course ignoring the fact that I knew those seasons were closing. Then it happened. I went to the doctor, my first time there in 9 years but my problems made it jump up the priority list. Ten minutes into my appointment, I was told that my uterus had prolapsed, and I would have to have a hysterectomy. (Oh, and it would be in two weeks.) Also, they let me know that I had a mole that didn't look good, and they want it removed, as well as found a lump on my right breast. (and yes, all of this was in one appointment.) So what did this mean???Well go straight to work and well, of course it means run faster because I had 2 weeks to find a substitute for work, tests, scans, labs, prep school work for my kids, and so much more. This surgery was really messing me up. Mandatory 6 weeks off. WHAAAAAT???!! I don't understand. I don't have time for all this!
As I'm sure you can tell, panic mode kicked in.
"I don't understand! God please just tell me, where do you want me to run for you!?" During this time, everyone kept telling me to trust God. But that wasn't the problem. I trusted God. I love God, I just didn't want to run in a direction that He didn't want. I ran without Him guiding me, that I know what a mess a self guided run can lead us to. I was scared. Scared that I would mess up. Not scared of God's direction. I just couldn't see the direction, because He wasn't telling me where to run. Why? Because God didn't want me to run. God wanted me still. Why??
So my six week "break" started about as well as any runners forcing of the bench does. Anything to distract me from being still. Filled with aimlessly scrolling Facebook, quilting, reading, Bible studies, sleep, and of course binge watching the entire season of Fuller House in one day, along with many other series from start to finish. In seeking my Christian counsel for help with direction...I kept getting, "Be still." "There is a time to be still." WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK I'M DOING!! I'm down for 6 weeks. It doesn't get more still. But was I? Was I still? Or was I distracting myself from the still? "Just Be." WHAT IS THAT!? Be? Be where? How do you "Be"?
Moving ahead, as my six weeks came to an end, and all scans and tests came back clear (Praise the Lord!) I headed back to work. Needless to say, my first day back to work, God confirmed to me loud and clear that He no longer wanted me there, and to focus on my children more. So that night I wrote out my 2 week notice to be what I said I would never be...a stay at home mom. Not that I had anything against others doing that. I thought it was awesome..for them. in my past, I identified myself through my work at a job, and reflecting back, I see that I was just scared to take that I.D away from me. But now, I know that even when I am lost, where to search for the answer. I know who I am, and who I can be by God and His Mighty Grace. I know the privileged and importance in "training my children in the way of the Lord, in all aspects of their lives. That goes from loving them,educating them, molding them to being watchful of their environment. Just as God shapes me, and knows who I am, and who I will be...EVEN when I'm lost, confused, or can't see it. I am to do that for my children.
Why was I so scared to be still, quiet, and alone? I was scared out of habit. The old me, (before Christ) never wanted to be alone. Because alone, I was face to face with me. And to be honest, I didn't know how to be still, and my habit reactions kept me avoiding learning. Even up to last night, my first night truly alone. Husband and oldest son was on a camping trip, my two youngest at a sleepover. I kept saying, (out of habit reaction) "I don't think I will know what to do." And God said, "Just be." Just be, with God...in His Mighty presence. No phone, no Facebook, no shows. He said, "Quiet your distractions, and be still, to just be with Me." "Hear what I have to say." "You are a new creation, at peace. This peace is not based on circumstance, but on My presence in your life." "Be still and quiet, to let Me show you and tell you of your growth with Me. My beautiful daughter, you are loved, and I am here."- Your Father
You see, even with my walk with God, I ran, and didn't know or recognize stillness out of habit from my previous self. The fear was based on who I was before God.Not knowing my own growth with God, I didn't realize that "being still" was a different experience than before. A peaceful refill of His flowing water. Everyday it truly amazes and blesses me with the constant growth that He encourages me to strive for.
So in this lesson, I ask," Do you need to quiet yourself or distractions?" Are you feeling stressed or confused with your walk? Maybe you need that one on one time with God. Maybe you are like me, and need to be quiet and stop asking so much, so that maybe you can hear Him. Maybe it's time for you to "Just Be."
Deuteronomy 31;6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
Here is a link to some great verses about being still
From my Heart to Yours
God Bless
<3 Cat
